Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
