i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
