Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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