So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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