im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
