I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
