If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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