Kiss
Puke
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
