I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
