There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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