I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
