Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
