I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
