Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
