It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
