she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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