if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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