She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
