I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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