How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
