I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize