im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
