R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
