You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
