I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
