Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
