you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
