I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
