if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
