so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
