So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
