Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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