Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
