She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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