how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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