Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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