would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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