Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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