after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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