he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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