Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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