hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
