they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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