Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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