honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
