I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Floor bacon is actually really good
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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