i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
