i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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