i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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