that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
