He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
