I got chris browned last night
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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