Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
