i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
