I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
