i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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