Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize