Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just had sex on a roof
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
