I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
