i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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