things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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