I think my vagina is haunted
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
