you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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