when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
