if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
