I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
