Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
